


Third Definition

by sauntering_down



Category: Free!
Genre: Free! Kink Meme, Gen, Watersports, crack levels over 9000 do not take this seriously, impressive amounts of naïveté, traumatizing innocent teenagers 2k14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-05
Updated: 2014-09-05
Packaged: 2018-02-16 04:45:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2256360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sauntering_down/pseuds/sauntering_down
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haru doesn't know what 'watersports' means and accidentally makes his friends watch piss porn.</p><p>That's it, that's the plot.</p><p> </p><p>  <i>“My ankle’s still bothering me, I’ll have to take it easy.  And before we get started, I need a… <b>shower</b>.”</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Third Definition

**Author's Note:**

> Kink meme prompt [here](http://iwatobiswimclub.dreamwidth.org/2701.html?thread=3389069#cmt3389069).
> 
> I can’t believe I came out of hibernation for this.
> 
> This has nothing to do with [nor any drop to drink](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1005802/chapters/1993465)… but it might be funnier if you imagine it does.

**watersports**

  1. plural form of _water sport_
  2. Sports or other activities, such as surfing, or jetskiing, that are carried out on a body of water.
  3. (sex, slang) Sexual activity involving urine or urination; urolagnia



Well, Haru thought, committing the third definition to memory and closing the browser tab, it would’ve been great if he’d known that yesterday.

* * *

They were already late to practice, having wasted far too much time trying to escape the clutches of the art club president (still trying a few last-minute recruitment techniques), but just moments after they left the classroom, Haru stopped in his tracks and said, “Hold on.” Makoto, halfway through the door leading to the stairwell, looked over his shoulder as Haru shrugged off his backpack and unzipped it. “Did we have math homework tonight?”

“Yeah, Watanabe-sensei assigned about twenty problems from the textbook.”

“I forgot my book.” Haru closed his bag again and turned around. “I’ll be right down.”

“Do you want me to wait?” Makoto asked, still hovering on the threshold, though he’d squeezed himself awkwardly against the doorframe to allow a few girls to pass by.

“No, go on ahead, I’ll meet you at the pool.” Haru headed back towards the room they’d just left, hoping the art club president had gone to harangue someone else; a quick peek inside confirmed she had. Only two of his classmates remained behind. They packed their bags with no sense of urgency, chattering away. Haru went in just in time to catch the tail end of the conversation.

“ – you know, it’s not the sort of thing you think you’re gonna like – I was looking at the description and going, whoa, _watersports_ , that’s pretty weird. But it was cheap and my brother never actually looks at the titles on the bill anyway, so I figured I’d buy it and if I couldn’t make myself get through the whole thing, no big deal. I actually got really into it, though. I mean, I saw it three times and –”

Susumu delivered a swift punch to Kensuke’s shoulder, cutting him off. They both turned to watch while Haru made his way across the room. Other people's discussions dropping dead at Haru’s arrival was not uncommon, but for once, he found himself wishing it had continued as he rifled through his desk. The word _watersports_ flooded his brain with images of sparkling waterfalls and crashing waves and calm, glimmering oceans stretching away into the horizon. Even interrupted by jet skis and bodyboarders and whatever else fell under the label of ‘watersports’, Haru liked films that involved big, beautiful bodies of water. He located his textbook, stuffed it into his bag, and said, “Was it a good movie?”

Kensuke blinked. “Uh.” He sent Susumu a glance Haru couldn’t read, then said, “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Is there any swimming in it?”

“Uh,” Kensuke said again. The look on his face was very peculiar, like Haru had smacked him across the face with his math book rather than asked a simple question, but an instant later the side of his mouth quirked up. “Actually, there _was_ some. Near the end, I think.”

“Can I borrow it?” Haru asked, shouldering his backpack.

His question was followed by a very pregnant pause. Kensuke and Susumu appeared to be having some sort of silent conversation – Kensuke’s expression was one of barely-contained amusement, now, and Susumu’s lips steadily compressed into a flat white line as seconds ticked away – finally Susumu flung his hands into the air, said, “Fine, do what you want. But you’re a terrible person, I hope you know that,” and returned to cramming books into his backpack.

Grinning, Kensuke plucked his pullover off the back of his chair and yanked it over his head. “I know it. All right, Nanase, but I’ve actually got it on my computer. If you want, I’ll copy it onto a DVD for you and bring it to school tomorrow, okay?”

Haru nodded. “Okay. Thank you.”

“No problem.”

On his way out the door, Haru heard Kensuke say, “Holy _shit_ –” but before he could even start to wonder what that was about, he caught sight of the clock and winced, imagining the lecture Gou would have waiting if he didn’t get a move on. More importantly, it was a hot, muggy afternoon, and he was missing prime swimming time. He put everything else out of his mind and took off at a run.

* * *

‘Boys Only Movie Night’, as Nagisa nicknamed it, was scheduled for the following day after practice. Haru had invited Gou along too, but she declined, as she was having dinner with Rin and her mother and needed to hurry home as soon as the swim club ended. It was just Haru, Makoto, Nagisa, and Rei walking to Haru’s house that afternoon, the plastic case containing the DVD Kensuke had given him earlier tucked safely in the pocket of Haru’s slacks, where it wouldn’t be harmed by Nagisa practically climbing onto his back and asking if they could make popcorn.

“It’s five o’clock,” Makoto sensibly pointed out. “If you fill up on popcorn, you won’t want dinner.”

“I’m hungry already, though – hey, Haru, can we stay for dinner?”

“You can’t just invite yourself over for dinner, Nagisa-kun, that’s rude –”

“It’s all right,” Haru said, forestalling an argument that would probably end with Nagisa faking tears and Rei guiltily trying to placate him. “You can stay.” He didn’t mind cooking for other people. Sometimes he even liked putting in the extra effort, knowing someone besides him would enjoy the meal.

So Nagisa got his way on both counts and dragged Rei off to make popcorn once they reached the house, while Makoto found some extra cushions for them to sit on and poured drinks and Haru started the DVD player. “What’s this movie called, anyway?” Nagisa said when he returned, toting a big bowl of popcorn that only looked slightly charred.

“Um….” Haru flipped the DVD case over, but there was nothing on the cover insert besides _Nanase_ written in one corner. “ _Watersports_ , I think,” he said, recalling what Kensuke had said yesterday. He’d never actually asked for the title.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Nagisa’s face do something strange. He didn’t have time to put an emotion to that expression; Nagisa was already plopping down onto a cushion and yanking Rei’s arm, saying, “Sit next to me, Rei-chan, you can hold my hand if you get scared!”

“Haru, it’s not really a scary movie, is it?” Makoto said apprehensively, clutching to his chest the popcorn bowl Nagisa had passed around.

That would have been another smart thing to ask Kensuke, Haru realized, but for Makoto’s peace of mind, he said, “No,” and hoped he wasn’t about to scar his best friend for life. He sat down and pressed the ‘play’ button on the remote.

There was no menu. A vanity card for a production studio Haru had never heard of came up on screen while some jazzy opening music began. A long white bar sprung up along the bottom of the picture, and Rei leaned forward to look closer, brow furrowed. “Haruka-senpai,” he said, pointing to the numbers in the corner, “this movie is only twenty-two minutes long.”

“Maybe it’s a mistake,” Makoto suggested. An instant later, a cursor swept across the screen and the bar and numbers vanished.

“This is a copy, right?” At Haru’s nod, Rei adjusted his glasses and said, “There might’ve been an error when it was burnt. But I suppose we could watch it, and if it’s good, see if we can rent the whole film somewhere.”

“Or we could just pirate it off the internet!”

“Nagisa-kun, that’s _illegal_.”

“So’s having someone else burn you a copy.”

“Guys, _shh_ ,” Makoto said, “it’s starting.”

To Haru’s delight, the movie began with a sweeping panorama of the ocean glowing pink and gold from the distant sunrise. He was less thrilled when the scene settled into a small house on the beach where a man with abs so starkly defined they _had_ to be painted on was going about his daily life. As he puttered around, the camera panned over shelves filled with surfing trophies and medals. “Saeko,” the man called, “are you up yet? The water’s looking great!”

“Just a minute, Daichi!” a woman said. She came into the kitchen within the promised minute, limping the slightest bit when her left foot met the ground. Her hair was the color of cherry wine and her eyes were bright green – they were all treated to a lingering shot of her face that lasted so long Nagisa started tossing popcorn into the air and trying to catch it in his mouth, which was more interesting than the sappy romantic platitudes Saeko and Daichi were exchanging.

“You ready to hit the waves, beautiful?” Daichi said, giving her nose an affectionate poke.

“Oh… maybe for a little while.” Saeko made a sulky little face. “My ankle’s still bothering me, I’ll have to take it easy. And before we get started, I need a… _shower_.”

Nagisa audibly snorted, then stuffed a handful of popcorn into his mouth when they all looked at him. Makoto seemed to share his sentiments, though, muttering, “Who showers before they go in the ocean?”

“I might need some help,” Saeko added, pushing her lower lip out a millimeter. Between the hair and her constant pout, she was reminding Haru strongly of Rin. “You think you can give me a hand, big guy?”

Daichi smiled at her, opened the back door, and swept his hand towards the sandy white beach and the sea beyond. “After you.”

They had their own outdoor shower just a short walk from the house. Haru added that to the list of things he wanted for his dream home. Saeko hobbled towards it, visibly playing up her injury with flirtatious eyelash-flutters towards the guy who was either husband or boyfriend, but had a legitimate stumble when she tried to step onto the wooden platform. Daichi darted forwards to catch her. “Maybe you should kneel down,” he said. “Take some of the weight off that ankle.”

“Good idea.” Wincing, she allowed him to lower her to her knees, then pushed her hair back and smiled sweetly at him. “I’m ready for my shower now.”

“Yeah?” Daichi smirked at her. “Well, you’re in luck, honey. I’ve got loads of water saved up for you.”

“Haruka-senpai,” Rei said suddenly, a distinct current of uneasiness in his voice, “where _exactly_ did you say you got –”

“Hush!” Nagisa covered Rei’s mouth, eyes fixed on the screen, grinning unsettlingly widely. “I want to see what happens!”

“Oh, Daichi,” Saeko purred. She tipped her face up, closed her eyes. “You’re always so good to me.”

Daichi patted her head like she was a particularly well-behaved puppy, whipped out his dick, and started peeing on her.

There was a _thud_ from Haru’s left that meant either a cup of iced tea or Makoto’s jaw had hit the floor. Nagisa _screamed_ with laughter. Rei just screamed, arms flailing, and sent the popcorn bowl flying as he propelled himself as far away from the television as he could. “Turn it off!” he shrieked, clamping his hands over his eyes without removing his glasses.

For a moment, Haru stared at the screen, not registering anything past the sight of a guy casually urinating on his girlfriend’s face. Kensuke’s amusement and Susumu’s disapproval were beginning to make a startling amount of sense. This was not a fun movie about oceans and surfers, it was fetish pornography, and Haru had staged a public viewing for his innocent, unsuspecting friends.

He picked up the remote and shut the television off.

With Saeko’s orgasmic moans muted, the only sounds were those of Nagisa’s hysterics and Makoto whimpering faintly, head buried in the cushion he’d been sitting on a moment ago. Rei seemed stunned into silence. Nagisa rolled onto his back, clutching at his stomach, drumming his heels on the floor with pure sadistic glee. “I can’t believe you didn’t know,” he gasped between bouts of laughter, “I can’t believe – this is the best day of my life –” and he was off again.

“Why didn’t you _tell_ us?!” Rei wailed. He hadn’t yet uncovered his face; what little of it Haru could see was the same color as his glasses.

Nagisa couldn’t get enough air to reply, but since the answer to that question was most likely something along the lines of ‘because it was funny’, nobody needed him to. He’d already given himself an awful case of hiccups. Every time he managed to crack open his watering eyes and caught sight of Rei cowering against the wall like he expected Daichi to come after him next, he burst out laughing again.

“Nagisa,” Haru finally said, “calm down before you wet yourself. I’ve had enough bodily fluids for now.”

Another round of giggles proceeded. Rei dropped his hands and stood up. “Haruka-senpai,” he said, sounding remarkably steady despite the recent shock he’d suffered, “thank you for your hospitality, but I’m going to go home early. I think I need a shower.”

He realized what he’d said immediately and turned so purple Haru was afraid he would have an aneurysm.  Nagisa _howled_ , tears pouring down the sides of his face. “Who’s providing your _water_ , Rei-chan?!”

“Have a good evening, Haruka-senpai, Makoto-senpai,” Rei said stiffly. He then stormed out of the room, heedless of the massive palm prints on the lenses of his glasses.

“Wait – wait, Rei-chan, I’m coming too!” Breathless, Nagisa scrambled to his feet, grabbed his backpack, and raced after Rei. Just before leaving, he turned and said, “Haru-chan, if you finish the movie, tell me how it ends tomorrow!” and sprinted away with a peal of laughter.

The door slammed, opened, slammed again, and Haru and Makoto were alone.

Makoto had hardly moved in the past few minutes. He was still hugging his cushion, but he’d at least dug his head out of it, and now was gazing at the dark television, eyes glassy. “Are you all right?” Haru asked.

“I feel like I should go and apologize to my parents,” Makoto said tonelessly. “They didn’t raise me to be a _pervert_.”

“You’re not a pervert.”

“I’m going to think of that movie every time I pee for the rest of my life.”

Haru picked up the DVD case again and turned it over and over in his hands. It was very ordinary, giving no hint towards the horrors contained within. “That was so unexpected….” He stood and stretched until his spine popped. “Are you staying or leaving?”

Makoto sighed. “I guess I’ll go home and watch cartoons with Ren and Ran until dinner. I don’t think I’m even fit to be in their presence anymore, but I can’t avoid them forever.”

Haru thought Makoto was laying it on a little thick, but he said nothing. They walked to the front door together. That dazed, traumatized expression hadn’t yet left Makoto’s face; Haru watched to make sure he didn’t fall down the stairs before closing and locking the door for the night.

The living room was a mess, he discovered when he returned and turned on the lights – Rei’s horrified gyrations had scattered popcorn everywhere, much of which had been crushed beneath Nagisa as he rolled around, the bowl was overturned on the floor, and there was a puddle of iced tea by Makoto’s abandoned cushion. Haru sponged that away and put the dishes in the sink before fetching a broom and dustpan to clean up the crushed kernels. 

Then, once the room had been restored to order, he made himself comfortable, turned the television back on, and hit ‘play’.

* * *

“Saeko peed on a surfboard and she and Daichi had sex in the ocean,” Haru told Nagisa at lunch the next day.

Nagisa sighed dreamily, blind to Rei choking on his rice, Makoto trying to crawl into his bento, and Gou’s mouth falling open. “That’s so romantic.”

**Author's Note:**

> no regrets.
> 
> I might actually start working on that SouRin prompt now.


End file.
